How could I've been so blind?
by Hide In Darkness
Summary: In the night when Lily dies, Severus' world collapses. Dumbledore sees a side of his young new teacher he had never expected. - Warning: suicide, child abuse, self-harm
1. Prologue

Summary:

In the night when Lily dies, Severus' world collapses. Dumbledore sees a side of his young new teacher he had never expected.

Rating: T

Warning:

 **suicide, mentions of child abuse and self-harm in later chapters**

can bee seen as (slightly) bashing Dumbledore and maybe slight AU

Author's Note:

Please note that English is not my native language.

Set before that conversation in the headmasters office.

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Prologue**

Dead. Gone. Faded from this world.

He was alone. No one left who really knew him. No one who could see his heart. No one who made his life worth living anymore.

Tears were running down his cheeks. He didn't care if someone saw him weak like this. They wouldn't be able to mock him. He would be dead later, follow here into whatever might lie beyond.

He took a knife and placed the blade right next to the other scar on his right wrist. He knew it wouldn't hurt, he had already done it once, fourteen years ago.

Yet he hesitated for a moment. He had left no note to explain this, no word to say goodbye. But who would care anyway? No one liked him, or trusted him. Not even Dumbledore. Why stay then? Or leave a note?

With this thoughts he cut, deep. He watched as the blood ran out of the wound. Quickly it formed a pool beneath his hand, which he had laid upon the desk, and trickled down on the floor.

A few seconds later everything went black and he passed out.

He didn't hear the knock on the door.

* * *

Next chapter will be on tomorrow, if nothing unexpected happens.


	2. Chapter 1

**As I promised, next chapter today!**

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 1**

When Dumbledore first got the news of James and Lily Potter's death, he didn't feel much. Only disbelieve. It couldn't be true. How could this have happened?

They were guarded, every possible protection charm was cast around their home. But somehow Voldemort must have broken through them.

Now he was back in his office. Harry was brought to his relatives and safe, until Voldemort would return.

It was then when the realization hit him. They were dead. He would never see them again. Grief washed over him, tears filled his old eyes. Dumbledore never thought he would mourn someone like that ever again.

Some minutes later he felt better. Crying heals the soul, it was said. The sorrow was still there, but he felt like he could handle it, at least for now.

Dumbledore took a few deep breaths, calmed himself. A more difficult task was waiting for him. He had to talk to Severus. He had to settle some things with the young man. It wouldn't be an easy conversation, that much was obvious.

With a sigh the old man got up and made his way towards the dungeons. It was a miracle to the headmaster why he had requested to live there. No other teacher ever asked that. Down there it was dark and cold, not very comfortable.

The nearer he got to the private chambers of his new teacher, the worse his feeling became. Surely due to his surroundings. He had never liked the dungeons, not even when he was a student. But he pushed that to the back of his mind.

If Severus knew? Most likely he did. He must have felt the Dark Mark fade away. Certainly he found out how this had happened. How did he take it? Yes, he said he loved Lily. But how much was this worth from a mouth of a Slytherin, especially a Death Eater?

Dumbledore reached the door. Again there was the feeling that something was terribly wrong here. Again he pushed it away. Surely it was nothing.

He knocked.

There was no answer.

He knocked again, louder this time.

Still no reply, only silence from within the chambers. Well, if the young man didn't want to talk to him, he would force him to.

The headmaster unlocked the door, stood in and closed it behind him. When he turned around he hit the wall as he backed away in shock.

There, behind his desk, sat Severus, his head rested on his left arm. He might have slept, if it wasn't for the pool of blood around his right hand. He had opened his veins, the blade still hold in his hand.

Dumbledore went over to the young man. Quickly he conjured bandages around the wrist. But he didn't know how much time had passed since his teacher had done this. He would have to take him to Poppy.

The headmaster sent his Patronus to her, telling the medi-witch what had happened and that he was coming now. Then he lifted Severus' almost lifeless body onto a magical stretcher and made his way to the infirmary.

Poppy was already waiting for him at the entrance, a worried expression on her face.

"Why did he do this?", she asked while they were bringing him to a separated chamber.

"I don't know. He left no note", Dumbledore replied. Probably he really loved Lily. But why should he decide to end his life then? It wasn't the end of the world after all. He grieved her as well, yes, but it had never crossed his mind to take drastic measures like that only because of ones death.

Meanwhile Poppy removed the bandages around Severus' wrist. The wound started to bleed again, but not as much as before. With a simple spell she cleaned the skin from the blood. What was reveled wasn't nice.

The wound was deep, maybe even deep enough to have left damage on the muscles. What shocked them most was the scar right next to it. An ugly scar, saying that this had happened before.

It gave no explanation to why he did it. But it was obvious that he would try again. Tears filled Poppy's eyes at this realization. She didn't know him, or really liked him, nevertheless she felt sorry for him. To even think of committing suicide was a sign that he was in a very bad mental state. To actually do it even more so.

"I fear I can't heal it completely. It must go the natural way. And it will leave another scar", she finally managed. "The only thing I can do is to fix the muscles beneath. At least he will have no problem with moving his hand afterwards."

Dumbledore just nodded, lost in thoughts. He still wondered what the reasons for this were. If Severus was affected by another one's death that much, even if it was a loved person, he certainly wouldn't have become a Death Eater. Surely he had seen others die, some at his own hands. Yet there was only one scar, only one other attempt. So this couldn't be the reason. At least not the only one.

"Do you mind if I cast a full diagnostic spell over him? I can't remember ever seeing him here when he was a student. And as he can't speak for himself, I have to ask you", Poppy interrupted his thoughts.

"Er … yes, just do it", he gave her permission. Severus probably wouldn't like it, but he was in no state to defend himself now. And he wouldn't agree later after he woke up. If he did.

The medi-witch conjured a piece of parchment to list everything what she might find. The list grew longer with every second, not stopping to name injuries for a few minutes. What Poppy read made every colour in face disappear. She had to sit down.

* * *

 **As I'm a mean person *evil smile* I'll let you wait for the next chapter till Friday or Saturday. No, the truth is, I do not have access to the Internet during the week, sorry for that, not my fault. At least I have time to write.**

 **Please review!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed so far!**

Disclaimer:

Everything, that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 2**

"Poppy, what is it? What did you find?", Dumbledore asked, worried about her sudden paleness.

She didn't answer, just handed him the parchment. He cast her another worrying glance, then looked at the list. He didn't like what he read, not at all.

Well, he had expected to see the Cruciatus Curse named on it. After all Voldemort was not known to be friendly. It was the amount that was shocking. Nearly a thousand times he had been tortured by this or similar curses. And it hadn't even been four years! That alone must have been hell for Severus. And it wasn't getting better as he read on. In fact, it got even worse.

The list showed cuts on his right arm, both fresh and already faded to scars. There was only one person possible who would do this so regularly and neatly, almost seeking the pain: Severus himself.

Next came the formerly broken bones. It seemed that every single rib was broken at least ones, most twice or more often. Both his wrists had been cracked many times, his ankles sprained. Shoulders, arms and legs broken as well.

Some were done recently, due to the torture he had been given by Voldemort. But most were listed earlier, when he was a child, many even before he came to Hogwarts. All of the following injuries were settled in this time. The ones which left signs on his skin.

There were bruises on his back and arms, made by a belt or strong hands, most likely. When came the open wounds, now scars. Most were on his back, giving evidence of many beatings with a whip or a cane. But they were not only limited to this area. His feet bore scars as well.

And, of course, there was this scar on his wrist. It was done at the age of seven. A sad sign of how unbearable it must have been for young Severus to go through all this abuse.

The fact that he was malnourished all these years almost seemed normal, matching the many injuries and the actions behind them.

Understanding hit the headmaster as he finished reading. Of course it must have been living hell for Severus to endure the abuse at home. Of course he must have looked for a way to escape it. Sadly, he chose the most drastic one.

Dumbledore knew that Lily and Severus grew up in the same town. He knew they met before they came to Hogwarts. Now he knew she must have meant everything to him, everything to give his life a purpose. The only one bringing some light into his dark childhood.

Then came the guilt. He should have seen it. He could have stopped it. Severus had always been that hateful towards muggleborns, towards other students in general. Except Lily. But Dumbledore had always denied to see that. It was easier to punish the Slytherin for his wrong doings rather than look for the reasons behind them. If he had done so, he would have realized that he was pushing him even further into darkness.

 _How could I've been so blind?_ , Dumbledore thought. If Severus was another student, from another house, he would have done everything to safe him. But he wasn't, and for that he had done nothing.

And, maybe even worse, his pain didn't end after school. The only difference was that it was magic, a curse, hurting him. The old man wondered if his ignorance had caused Severus' decision to join Voldemort. He must have realized what the headmaster was doing, or rather, what he was not doing. Surely it gave him proof that no one cared about his fate anyway.

"Did you know this?", Poppy asked, finally gaining her voice again.

"No, I had no idea", Dumbledore replied.

"The poor boy. I don't want to imagine what he had to go through. It must have been horrible!"

"Nor do I. I should have seen it, though", the headmaster couldn't stop the guilt controlling his mind.

"It's not only your fault. We all should have realized it. Sometimes he seemed to be ill when I saw him, yet he's never been in the infirmary. If not his paleness, this should have made me curious."

Both fell silent for a while. Then Poppy gave a sad sigh.

"What is it?"

"I have to check if his bones healed properly. I think at least his ribs did not."

Dumbledore nodded. If she was right she would have to clear his back, reveal the scars they had not seen now. Somehow seeing the marks left behind made it real, no more just words on a piece of parchment.

Poppy cast another spell over Severus. It didn't take as long as the one before, as she knew where to search and what to look for. Unfortunately she found what she had feared.

"For some miracle it seems that everything healed better than I had expected it. Only his ribs did not. Probably due to the constant breathing and the fact that they were broken over and over again", she said after the examination.

Together they rolled the young man's body onto the front and Poppy removed his robes with a vanishing charm. The sight wasn't nice, to say the least.

The bones were clearly visible, the expected scars crossed over them. Only that it were more than they had imagined. One even reached his neck. A careless strike. Surely the person doing it didn't mind if he died, should it open the artery. What it had almost done, in fact.

Tears were filling the witches eyes. She couldn't believe that someone could be that cruel, do such a thing to a child.

She reached out for his back, trying to ease his pain with a gentle touch. About an inch before her fingers made contact with his skin, he flinched. Severus must have felt someone was coming nearer, and his past taught him that this meant pain.

Poppy couldn't hold back her tears any longer. She slumped into a chair, lowered her had and allowed the drops to roll down her face. A gentle hand placed itself on her shoulder.

"It's alright. It's not your fault", Dumbledore tried to calm her. But his voice was shaking as well. He too felt sorry for his young teacher.

They sat there for a while, no one saying a word. They just waited until they were able to control themselves again.

Several minutes later the medi-witch got up and raised her wand, pointing it at Severus' ribs. She whispered a few spells, following the line of his bones. Luckily, if you can say so, the spots there we fractures didn't heal properly were easily found, due to his malnourished state.

It didn't take her long to heal him. After that she turned to his right arm. Poppy hadn't dared to look towards it yet, somehow afraid of seeing the cuts. Angry red lines crossed the almost white skin.

She had heard that some muggles cut themselves, using a razor or something like that. Usually they didn't cut deep, the wounds left only thin, white lines.

Though Severus showed the same behavior, his cuts were deeper, most likely done with a knife, and they would leave scars more visible. The already healed wounds proofed this.

Poppy was just about to take his arm in order to have a better look at the cuts when her patient woke up.

* * *

I'm not good at writing conversations with Severus not being awake or part of it. I hope it will get better as soon as that changes.

 **And please review! If I get at least five reviews until Sunday noon (German time), I'll post the next chapter already this weekend.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Luckily I already got 5 new reviews. I couldn't wait to update myself.**

 **Thanks for your reviews! I'm glad to hear you like my story. And thanks to the guests who reviewed as well. Sadly I can't answer your comments.**

Disclaimer:

Everything that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 3**

It took Severus not even a second to gain full consciousness. He was used to wake up as soon as someone, or something, touched his skin.

Immediately he flinched and backed away from the person near him, trembling with fear of what might await him. Only when he realized it was Poppy, the medi-witch of Hogwarts. Right next to her sat Dumbledore. Both cast him astonished looks, changing into worry and finally pity.

With this a thought reached his mind: He was still alive. Again someone decided to deny him death. Why did everyone always want to torture him? Why couldn't they just let him die? There was nothing in this world what made his life worth living.

And now even Lily was gone. The only person who ever really cared for him. As long as she had been alive there was still hope that she would forgive him one day. Forgive him that one name he had called her, by accident, in anger: mudblood. Now this last bit of hope was gone forever.

Tears shot to his eyes, but Severus fought them back. He couldn't allow himself to cry in front of others. Especially not if among these others was Dumbledore.

He wrapped his arms tighter around his chest and lowered his head, hair shielding his face from the world.

"Let me die!", he whispered in a weak voice. First, this was only answered by shocked silence.

"I can't. Severus, I'm a healer! I swore an oath to save my patients from death. I can't let you commit suicide!", Poppy replied, still not believing in the young man's words, his plea for death.

He just looked at her. Though his eyes showed no emotions, his thoughts were racing in his mind. Why did she care if he lived or died? She had never done before, why now? He was useless. A waste of space, a waste of time, care, or love. He wasn't even needed as a spy anymore, the Dark Lord was gone. Couldn't she understand that it was better for all of them if he just died? No one liked him, no one would miss him anyway. He was nothing more than a burden to everyone surrounding him.

"Let me die", Severus repeated, lowering his voice as well as his head. He was still trembling, but not from fear any longer, from grief. Again tears were starting to reach his eyes. Not much longer and he wouldn't be able to hold them back. Why was he suddenly that weak? He hadn't cried in front of others for years, only when he was completely alone. And even that was a long time ago. In fact he couldn't remember crying since his fifth year, after he had lost Lily.

Lily. She was the only one who made him lower his mask he wore every day in public. Only she saw his feelings. Yet he was never brave enough to tell her what he truly felt for her, that he loved her.

And now she was dead. It was his fault the Dark Lord murder her. It was his fault that she was gone from this world. It didn't matter if he cast the curse or not, he killed her.

Dumbledore knew that. He knew it was Severus who told the Dark Lord about the prophecy. It was because of this that they were chased and, in the end, murdered.

Finally he reached the point he had feared he would. Tears ran down his face. His body was shaking, grief and pain washing over him, controlling his mind. Yet he remained silent. His father had told him not to make a sound or he would get an even worse beating.

A hand placed itself on his shoulder. A gentle touch, an attempt to comfort him. But Severus backed away, not wanting anyone near him, seeing his weakness.

"Leave me alone!", he hissed, desperately trying to keep the pain out of his voice. In this point he failed, but the hand left. Then he heard a chair being moved and a few whispered words.

"Come on, Poppy. I think we should let him be for a while", Dumbledore said quietly. Soon another chair moved, footsteps followed, a door was opened and closed again. Only then Severus dared to look up again. The room was dark now, the lights turned off. And even after his eyes got used to the darkness around him he couldn't make out another person. He was alone, save to let his mask fall down, reveal the feelings hidden behind it.

Severus lay down again, pressing his face against the pillow. He hugged his knees to his chest and let the tears flow freely.

* * *

"Do you think it's wise to let him alone? After all he just committed suicide. What if he tries again now that no one's around?", Poppy asked anxiously. In these past few hours she had felt a liking towards the young man grow inside her. First, it was only slight, like to everyone who spent time in her care while ill. But it grew stronger by the minute, especially after he woke up.

The way he had backed away from her had shocked the medi-witch. It wasn't out of anger. It was fear. Fear of being hurt, being punished for doing something wrong. Not fear of her, or Dumbledore, of someone who wasn't even in the room. She had seen it in his eyes. Only a second later it was gone again, hidden behind a veil. But it had been there nonetheless.

"Wouldn't you know if he tried?", the headmaster interrupted her thoughts. Of course Poppy would. She had double-checked the wards around the room before they brought him in there, knowing it would be necessary later.

"Anyway, I don't think Severus will try right now. He's not able to control his feelings now. He should let it out, and I think he won't as long as someone is around", the old man went on.

"You're right, he wouldn't. I never saw through his mask before." He had always been cold, almost hateful towards everyone around him, even as a student. Poppy never thought much about this behavior, she just saw him as the typical Slytherin: bad character, setting himself above everything non-magical, hating muggleborns and their friends. Later, when she heard he became a Death Eater, it seemed that she had been true, he was evil.

Today she was proven wrong. He hid his true feelings, guarding himself off the world. Afraid to be hurt if he showed anyone what he really thought or felt.

With this thoughts a sad sigh escaped her lips and she turned her face to the headmaster.

"You should get some rest. It must have been a long night", she told him. Both knew what she meant. First the shocking news of Lily and James Potter's demise, then bringing Harry to his new home and now a teacher committing suicide. Poppy hadn't found sleep so far, for sure Dumbledore hadn't as well.

"Probably you're right. But, please don't hesitate to call me if something happens, whether with Severus or anything else." The matron nodded in agreement. The old man gave her a small smile, then left the hospital wing.

Poppy sat down in a comfortable chair and closed her eyes. She tried to bring her thoughts back into order, with no great success. The resent events upset her too much.

* * *

That was sad to write, especially the part where Severus is thinking about Lily's death and his part in it. Luckily I had tomatoes, otherwise I guess I would have cried.

 **Next chapter will follow on Friday, but don't hesitate to review!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Guest (the one who reviewed chapter 3): Believe me, I asked myself the same question. It seems that no one wants the next chapter. Well, here it is anyway. Your other question is answered in this.**

Disclaimer:

Everything that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 4**

Once he let the first tear out, he couldn't hold them back any longer. The sorrow was too much for him to bear. He had forced it down for too long now.

Severus hated himself for that. He could endure harsh beatings or hours of torture without a single sound escaping his lips. But he wasn't able to stop grief taking control over his mind and body. Worse, he almost broke in front of others! If his father saw him like this he would have beaten him. He knew he would have deserved it, being weak like this.

Still, he didn't fight against the tears. It felt like dishonouring Lily's memory if he did. She was worth every possible punishment he could be given. In fact, nothing could be worse than a world without her.

How was he supposed to survive without her? Even after their ways parted he always knew she was there. Maybe they would be friends again one day. Of course Severus was not foolish enough to believe things would be the same as before. Words could not be made unspoken, hurt feelings could not be healed. But he wished they would be able to see eye to eye at least.

By now the pillow was wet with tears, but Severus didn't care. He shivered as a cool breeze rushed over his bare back. He didn't cover himself with the blanket. If not from blood loss as he had planned, he might die from a cold. The result would be the same.

Then realization hit him. They knew! They saw the scars, the cuts. Everything he wanted to hide from them. What should he tell them now? At least Dumbledore knew the Dark Lord was not whipping his followers, he knew more painful ways to torture them. Besides, it was a _muggle_ method. The cuts would be even harder to explain. Who would do that except for himself?

But should he even try to lie? His father couldn't punish him for telling someone, he was dead. And if Poppy had run a diagnostic spell over him, what she certainly had, surely she would know anyway. Why not admit it then?

Because they would pity him, see him as a helpless child. Severus was neither helpless nor a child, and he never liked being treated like that. Not even when he actually _was_ a child, when he _was_ helpless against his father's wrath.

No, he couldn't tell them. Severus couldn't talk about it at all. He had always given his best effort to keep these memories out of his thoughts. He wouldn't bring them up willingly now.

He turned around on the bed and let the sorrow wash over him again. After an eternity he fell asleep.

* * *

Severus didn't know how much time had passed when he woke again. It must have been several hours as the sun was starting to rise outside. The sky he could see through the window was already grey.

He was astonished that he slept that long, and he couldn't remember a single dream either. Usually he was woken by a nightmare, about his childhood or his time as a Death Eater, before dawn. Why not today? Severus had expected to have even worse dreams after that fateful night. He couldn't remember someone giving him a dreamless potion.

Maybe it was the exhaustion. Maybe finally his body won the battle against his mind, held down the dark memories and gained a bit more strength than normally.

Someone had put the blanket over him, careful not to touch him, not to wake him. Afterwards he was left alone again. Allowing him the space he needed.

With a sigh Severus pushed himself in a sitting position. A sting along his right wrist brought his mind to the deep wound he had done himself. When he looked at it a few drops of blood built along the cut. As much as he liked to open it again, he knew he wouldn't have a chance to die. Poppy would know immediately.

A pile of black robes lay next to the bed. Quickly Severus got up and dress. He hated showing too much skin, especially if it was scarred. As soon as his back was covered again and he turned around to leave, Poppy came in. Damn her, did nothing escape her notice?

"I thought you would try to leave as soon as you woke up", she said without further delay. "Well, I fear I have to stop you. I cannot let someone go who just committed suicide. And besides, Albus wants me to keep an eye on you."

"I'm not a child! I do not need a babysitter!", he spat at her in reply.

"You will not leave until I allow you to. I'll lock you inside if I have to", she shot back. Dumbledore had warned her that he might not like this and she would need to be strict. Poppy didn't feel well about using this tone on him, not after she learned about the abuse. Surely he was used to obey if she spoke like this. But why couldn't he just see that it was only to his best?

Severus cast her a dark glance, but sat back down on the bed. It would be disrespectful if he didn't follow her orders. His father taught him so, and if he should ever forget this he had scars to remind him. Later, the Dark Lord repeated the lesson.

"Good. If you need something you can call me. Except it's a knife or something like this, of course", Poppy said, trying to take the tense away from the situation.

"I need my peace", he answered under his breath. Though the medi-witch heard what he said, she decided to ignore it. Instead she turned around and left the room. She couldn't change the rules, whether he liked it or not.

Severus sighed. Before he had committed suicide no one cared about him. No one was interested in how he felt. He was a Slytherin, later a Death Eater. With this he was doomed to deal with his guilt on his own.

Was it surprising then that he was cutting himself? They didn't know what he had done, what he was forced to endure. They never asked, and they wouldn't have listened anyway. He was supposed to be cold-hearted, feel no pity and hate everything non-magical.

Not that the last was hard to do. After all his father was a muggle. What had _he_ done to him? His classmates at school had been muggles. And what had _they_ done? They hated him for what he was, why shouldn't he do the same in return? Even Petunia didn't like her own sister because Lily was a witch and she was not. Why was it wrong to treat them the same way?

Of course, today Severus knew why. These muggles were not able to defend themselves. No matter how strong their body was, a simple Stunning Spell and they were no longer bothering him. Not even accidental magic could help them, they possessed none. In other words, they were helpless against witches and wizards.

Muggles might not need protection against wizard-kind in general, but certainly against the evil ones like the Dark Lord. If even his followers were not safe against his wrath, muggles were even less.

Severus learned this the hard way. He was tortured right from the beginning. No matter what he had done, whether it helped the Dark Lord or not, he almost never left a meeting without the after effects of the Cruciatus Curse being present in his nervous system.

Severus shook his head. He hated it when this thoughts came up. Wasn't he suffering enough with all this guilt lying upon him? After all he _had_ murdered muggles before he realized this.

He rose from the bed again and paced up and down the room. It was way too bright for his liking. It made him restless if he couldn't hide in some dark corner. An obvious advantage of the dungeons, and the reason why he preferred to stay down there. There was always some darkness there no one would see him, no one would find him if he wanted to be left alone.

The day went on like this, time passed by slowly. Poppy didn't come again. Severus didn't mind. He was left alone when he wanted it, at last. No one was bothering him. It would have been perfect if he was in his private chambers.

Unfortunately he wasn't and for that he didn't manage to calm himself down. When he wasn't sitting on the bad, looking down on his hands and waiting for the night, he was walking from one end of the room to the other and back again. Severus knew he could have called for food whenever he wanted. But he was not in the mood to eat anything and he wasn't hungry either.

Finally it was getting darker outside again. Nightfall came quickly now and an hour later it was completely dark. Severus was pleasantly surprised when neither Poppy nor Dumbledore came to visit him. It almost seemed as if they had forgotten him. As long as they wouldn't forget to let him out he didn't mind.

* * *

Severus stood in complete darkness. He didn't know where he was or how he came there. He didn't even know if he was standing at all.

Suddenly something hit him across the face. As soon as it had come it was gone again. Only the sting in his cheek remained.

Another stroke hit him, more forceful than the one before. But still Severus couldn't make out who hit him or where the blow came from.

Hastily he turned around, trying to see something, anything. But there was nothing. Nothing to show him what was going on.

Out of a sudden an all too familiar voice echoed through the darkness. It could be only one person.

"BOY!", his father yelled. "COME OVER HERE! NOW!"

Terrified Severus looked around. Where was the voice coming from? How was he supposed to follow his father's orders if he didn't even know where he had to go? Panic rose inside him, starting to take control over his mind.

Something hard hit him in the back. Somehow he knew it was his father's belt, the punishment for not obeying his orders.

"YOU BLIND IDIOT! I TOLD YOU TO COME!" Severus fell to the floor, which had appeared out of thin air right when he was about to fall. Suddenly there was light as well. For the first time he was able to see his surroundings.

He didn't recognize the place. He was lying on a wooden floor in a hall. It was gloomy, and dirty, but it was too big for his home.

A second person appeared out of the shadows while lashes rained down upon his back. With shock Severus noticed the long red hair. Lily! She stepped out of the darkness and he saw the angry expression in her eyes.

"You know you deserve this", she said, her cool voice sending a shiver down his spine. "You deserve to be beaten for what you've done!"

Severus just looked at her, not wanting to believe what she had said, but knowing it was true.

"I don't know why I even tried to help you." His father was still hitting him with his belt, but he didn't feel the pain any more. What was she saying?

"I should have known better than to befriend _you_. You are weak! You can't even fight against you're own father! How could I even consider you to be a good friend for me?"

Now tears filled his eyes. He refused to believe this! But a part of him told him she was right. She deserved someone better than him. Someone stronger. Someone who could protect her if she needed protection.

"And look what became of you! A _Slytherin_ , a _Death Eater_! You are evil! How could I've been so blind?" She made a pause, allowing her words to sink in. The anger in her eyes changed into satisfaction at seeing him getting hurt.

"You killed me! Me and my love! And you almost killed my son, too!"

* * *

 **Well, this was a bit longer than my usual about 1,000 words, but whenever I wanted to end it, I had lots of ideas to write. Would have been good if it wasn't at the end of a chapter!**

 **This time I won't update unless I have a total of at least 25 reviews. I want to know if I shall continue this story or not.**


	6. Chapter 5

**So, here is the conversation in Dumbledore's office. Naturally it will not be completely the same as in the books, but I'll stay as close as I can. And it will contain a bit more than just the matter about Harry's safety.**

Disclaimer:

Everything that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 5**

Severus shot up straight in the bed. He was trembling, fear running through his body. The dream felt so real. But it was, wasn't it? It _was_ his fault they were dead.

 _'You killed me! Me and my love! And you almost killed my son, too!'_ Lily's last words were still ringing in his ears. It felt like they would haunt him for the rest of his life, carved into his skull like the Dark Mark was burned into his skin. Both were signs of his guilt, one visible, one not.

His body was covered in cold sweat. It always was after some sort of nightmare. This was also the reason why he stuck on sleeping without shirt after he moved from home.

Severus leaned forward, resting his head on his shaking hands, and closed his eyes. The pictures still haunted him. Lily who was angrily looking down on him while he was beaten. She would never have done this! Or would she?

After all he had betrayed her. He had sold her life to satisfy his master. It hadn't worked though. Telling the Dark Lord that someone would be more powerful than him wasn't a good idea. He should have known then that it would get even worse for him. Over all he should have warned Lily directly. He knew he couldn't trust anyone but her.

Tears were watering his eyes, yet he fought them back. There was only one way to settle this. He had to speak with Dumbledore.

With a sigh Severus got up and dressed again. He didn't really want to talk to the headmaster. He would pity him, ask nasty questions and would try to convince him that life can be good. The old man couldn't accept that the world would be a better place without some people, including Severus.

He stormed to the door and tore it open. He almost reached the entrance to the infirmary before Poppy could stop him.

"What do you think where you're going?" Hadn't she said clear enough that he was not allowed to leave?

"I need to see Dumbledore", he replied. Why he wanted that wasn't her concern.

"Now? It's the middle of the night!" Indeed it was only two o'clock in the morning. Didn't the young man sleep at all? She knew he had been awake all day. And, what worried her most, he hadn't eaten anything.

"Yes, now!" They glared at each other for a while, but Severus was more experienced with this situation.

"Fine, then go to him. But I want to see you back here in the morning! And don't you think I wouldn't know if you hurt yourself again", she said, feeling a bit uneasy with letting him go. And she _wouldn't_ know if he tried to kill himself again. The charm would fall off as soon as he left through these doors. She had no chance to cast a new one without him noticing.

Severus didn't say a word. Instead he just turned on his heel and left the hospital wing.

* * *

Only a few minutes later Severus knocked on the door to Dumbledore's office. A muffled 'enter' followed some seconds later.

The headmaster sat behind his desk, reading something. When Severus closed the door behind him the old man looked up.

"Severus! Shouldn't you be sleeping at this early hour?", Dumbledore asked gently. How did he even manage to get out of the ward? Poppy must have realized he was about to leave, yet he was here, standing on the other side of the desk. What if he had cut himself on the way? They wouldn't have known.

But the headmaster still needed the young man. Besides, over the last day he grew to care about him. He hadn't thought he would say this one day. After all the young man used to be a Death Eater.

Severus, on the other hand, didn't know what to reply. He hadn't considered that Dumbledore didn't know about the nightmares he had every night. Or that the old man could be asleep when he arrived at his office.

"I can't", he said simply after thinking for a while.

Suddenly the grief was back again, stronger than ever before. The realization hit him hard, it washed over him, took control over his mind. Again, he was breaking. Why did it have to happen now? In front of others, in front of _Dumbledore_?

Severus slumped down into a chair, resting his head on his hands once again. He heard the headmaster getting up and stiffened. When he placed a hand on his shoulder he flinched back immediately. Partly out of habit, partly because he didn't want the old man near him.

They remained like this for a while. Severus cried silently, not able to stop the misery he felt from showing up. Dumbledore stood beside his teacher, uncertain of what to do. Finally the young man raised his head.

"I thought … you were going … to keep her … safe", he managed to say in a hoarse voice.

"She and James put their faith in the wrong person", stated Dumbledore. He refused to take the whole blame on this matter. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"

Severus' breathing was shallow. Of course he had asked his master. A foolish hope. What did a woman, a _muggle-born_ , matter to the Dark Lord? He had just laughed and punished his servant for showing affections towards a mudblood.

"Her boy survives", said Dumbledore.

Severus replied with a tiny jerk of the head. What did it matter now? He may be the Chosen One, so what? The Dark Lord was gone, and he took Lily with him. What did it matter that the boy was alive?

"Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and colour of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?" Dumbledore tried to comfort the young man with this words, but reached the exact opposite.

"DON'T!", bellowed Severus. He didn't want to remember these eyes now. Her beautiful, kind green eyes. He would never see them again. Not without seeing Potter around them. "Gone … Dead …"

"Is this remorse, Severus?" Of course Dumbledore knew it was, but he wanted to hear it from him himself.

"Why … why can't you just let me die?"

"And what use would that be to anyone? If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."

Severus looked at him through his haze of pain. What did he just say? Had he questioned his love for Lily? After what happened? After he committed _suicide_ because of her death? Could the old man really be that blind?

Then the last part of Dumbledore's sentence reached him.

"What – what do you mean?" His way forward was clear? If it was, why couldn't he see it then?

"You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son." Protect him? Of what? Becoming a spoilt brat like his father?

"He does not need protection. The Dark Lord is gone -"

"- the Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."

He would return? That was impossible! As it seemed he was hit by his own killing curse. But, after all, he was probably the most powerful dark wizard of all time. If a baby was able to survive this, why not the Dark Lord?

Slowly Severus regained control of himself again, mastered his own breathing. If this was true, then the boy really needed protection.

"Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear … especially Potter's son … I want your word!"

"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" Dumbledore sighed, looking down into the young man's ferocious, anguished face. "If you insist … But promise me that you will never try to kill yourself again!"

"And why, in your opinion, shouldn't I?" Not that he would after this, at least not in the near future. His life had a meaning again. Whether he liked it or not, he needed to stay alive now.

"You don't deserve to die without seeing the light, the happiness, in life", the old man said sadly.

"Happiness? What happiness do you refer to?", Severus asked him. "I killed people, Dumbledore. Innocent people, helpless people. Women, even a child! I almost killed another one last night. There is no way to forgive this. I don't deserve to live a _happy_ life, or live at all." Even his own father had told him that.

The headmaster was taken aback by this confession. Of course he knew Severus had murdered on Voldemorts orders. But he didn't know he was forced to kill a child, or that he felt guilty about it.

"It is not your fault that Voldemort went after Lily and James. You couldn't have known who was meant by the prophecy. It is _not_ your fault!", Dumbledore tried to assure him.

Not his fault? That was easy to say for the headmaster. He wasn't the guilty one. But Severus didn't believe him. If he had never lost a word about that prophecy, Lily would be alive now. Of course it was his fault!

Severus didn't reply though. The old man wouldn't understand anyway. Or wouldn't care. Instead he raised an eyebrow. Dumbledore sighed.

"What happened to you that you refuse to believe me?", he asked, obviously referring to his childhood. Severus face immediately turned into stone again.

"This is none of your business", he said, his voice colder than ice.

"Please, Severus, talk to me. Or to someone else, anyone. You shouldn't keep that quite, it's not good for you", Dumbledore begged him.

"Who says I don't have someone to talk to?", Severus gave back. Of course he didn't, who would listen? He didn't want to bring this up anyway. Dumbledore answered with a clearly unbelieving look.

"Please", he repeated. "I want to understand why you did what you did. Last night I found out I don't know you at all. But I want to know my teachers, at least a bit. I do care about my staff, including you, but I can't help you if you don't let me."

They stared at each other for a while. What did it matter if Severus told the headmaster? He already guessed the truth anyway. But these were his darkest memories, it was private! He had never told someone before, except Lily of course.

Finally Severus broke the silence with a sigh. If the old man insisted, he would give him what he wanted. Dumbledore was warned that it wouldn't be nice, he should know better than to ask.

He placed the tip of his wand at his temple. Slowly he extracted some memories. They floated in mid-air between them. Dumbledore brought them to his pensive and lowered them into it. Then he looked back to his young teacher.

"If you really want to know what happened, you may see these memories", Severus told him. "But don't ask me about what you see. And don't talk to anyone else about it, not even Poppy. No one needs to know this." With this he left the office.

After the door was closed again, Dumbledore dived into Severus' past.

* * *

 **I know, this chapter was horribly long as well. I don't know what's happening to me. Usually I have to fight to fill the 1,000 words/2 pages I plan for each chapter. And, to be honest, I didn't plan the whole story to be this long. Originally I thought it would be only three or four chapters, not more than five!**

 **Next chapter will contain graphic violence, you are warned!**


	7. Chapter 6

**Well, originally I wanted to write a story about Severus' childhood, too. But I don't really have inspiration for it. Because of that I decided to put the memories I wanted to write in this one. So, this chapter will contain, as I already implied, graphic scenes of physical child abuse.**

Note:

To those who read 'Silent Agony': Yes, the first scene is taken from that story (with minor changes as it is seen through Dumbledore's eyes), but it is important to me, so I needed to put in here, too.

Disclaimer:

Everything that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 6**

The headmaster fell into complete darkness. After a while his eyes got used to it.

He was facing a door, only the faintest idea of light shining through a small gap. Slowly he turned around, trying to make out more of his surroundings. On his left side there was a small window near the ceiling – he was probably in a cellar – , allowing some light to enter the room over the day. The darkness inside made Dumbledore guess that it was night-time.

As he went on with his inspection his glance fell upon a bundle of rags on the floor. When he came closer he saw it was a small boy no older than six, most likely young Severus, shivering with cold. The blanked covering him was moth-eaten, the mattress he was lying on thin and old.

Suddenly Dumbledore heard a loud sound, as if a door was slammed shut. The boy in front of him didn't stir. When thundering footsteps could be heard outside he began to move, slowly waking up. Then the door banged open. Immediately Severus flinched and curled up, clearly frightened.

In the now lighted corridor stood a massive man, anger visible in his face. It had to be Severus' father Tobias, guessing from the way the boy behaved and the things he had learned about his home life.

Though Dumbledore couldn't smell anything in memories, he knew from the man's behaviour, the way he walked, that he was drunk.

"WAKE UP, BOY!", Tobias shouted, taking off his belt and stumbling towards his son, who hugged himself even tighter, trying to escape his father.

"No, father, please don't!" came his silent, begging response. By now Severus had put his arms protectively over his head.

"BE QUIET!" the belt hit the unprotected back of the boy, who screamed in agony.

"I SAID, BE QUIET!" Another blow to his back. Severus bit down on his lip so hard that it started to bleed but couldn't suppress a tiny whimper.

"YOU. DISGRACE. OF. A. SON!" Every syllable was punctuated by another hard beating of the belt. But this time the young boy was able to suppress every sound.

To deepen Severus' understanding of his lesson, his father added at least ten more lashes to his sons back before leaving his crying child in the cellar without uttering another word.

Dumbledore's eyes widened in shock while he watched the scene. He wanted to help the child, but knew it was not possible. Tears were filling his eyes, running down his face. He hadn't expected the memories to be funny, but he hadn't imagined them to be _that_ horrible.

The headmaster couldn't understand how someone could beat a child, let his drunken rage out on his own flesh and blood, and, even worse, punish him for screaming out as everyone of this age would have done.

The old man cast a last look towards the crying child before the scene changed.

* * *

Dumbledore was standing in front of a row of run-down houses, the early morning sun shining on the dirty street. In the distance an old chimney rose above the roofs.

Suddenly the door of one of the houses opened and a small, dark-haired boy stepped outside. He was wearing old, unfitting clothes. Evidence of either poverty or neglect, in his case most likely both.

Carefully he looked around. When he didn't see anyone, he came out of the doorway and walked down the street. He kept his head low, long hair shielding his face. Dumbledore followed Severus, interested in where he was going.

The further they went from the house, the faster the boy walked. When they left the last house behind them, he started to run. Across a dirty stream, up a small hill and into the forest on top of it. Though Dumbledore wasn't the youngest, he had no problem to keep up with the child.

Finally they reached a clearing. Severus sat down, crossed his arms on his knees and rested his head on them. After a while the headmaster realized he was crying. He remained silent while doing so. Most likely his father had beaten this into him, as he had done in the previous memory.

A few minutes later the boy sighed and dried his tears with the sleeve of this too big jacket. Then he reached out for his back. He flinched when he touched his skin, probably sore from a resent beating. Indeed the tips of his fingers showed fresh blood when he looked at them.

Again Dumbledore wondered how a person could do this to his son, his own flesh and blood. And why he hadn't seen the signs before. Surely there must have been quite a lot. If he had just watched the boy a bit closer.

Severus went over to a small stream which crossed the clearing. He knelt down beside it and washed the blood off his fingers. Then he sat back down again and closed his eyes.

Dumbledore wondered what he was doing here. Probably he escaped from home. It was early enough so that his father might still be asleep. Hopefully the boy would get some rest before he went back, as the headmaster knew he would.

After a while Severus' breathing got calm and regular. He must have fallen asleep. And indeed the scene changed.

* * *

 **I _hate_ to call that man by his first name! A friend of mine is called Tobias, and he's a really nice and clever person. It's awful to think of these two people in comparison whenever I hear the name.**

 **And yes, this was a short chapter. Next will be longer again, I already wrote it. In fact, I finished the story and I'm tempted to post all the remaining chapters right now. But I'm mean and let you wait. Maybe only until Sunday, don't know yet...**


	8. Chapter 7

**Yes, I know it's not Sunday today, but I just couldn't wait any longer.**

 **So here is part two of the memory sequence (the longer one).**

Warning:

Contains **suicide** and **graphic scenes of child abuse** (again)

Disclaimer:

Everything that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 7**

Dumbledore stood in front of the houses again. Only this time the young boy was standing outside.

The old man came nearer. Muffled screams could be heard through the wooden door. They stopped as soon as Severus knocked. After a while the door was opened, revealing a woman, most likely his mother Eileen.

Her hair was messy, her eyes tired. A bruise formed along her chin and a cut could be seen on her cheek. Her lip was bleeding. Probably her husband had let his anger out on her instead of his son while he was absent. This also must have been the reason for the screams.

Severus met his mother's eyes, tears swimming in them.

"I'm sorry, mum. I shouldn't have run away", he whispered, lowering his gaze again.

"You shouldn't have returned", Eileen answered. "Now, don't let him get even angrier than he already is. In the living room." With this she stepped aside, letting her son enter.

Dumbledore wondered why she didn't send him away if she cared for him. Obviously she did, otherwise she wouldn't have told him he should have stayed away. Not really wanting to see what would happen now he followed the boy inside and to the living room.

There, in the middle of the room, stood his father. As soon as he saw his son, the expression in his face turned into rage.

"BOY!", he shouted, his voice thundering so loud that Dumbledore wondered how the neighbours couldn't have heard it. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! RUNNING AWAY! IS THIS HOW YOU SHOW YOUR GRATITUDE?!"

Severus remained silent while his father was yelling at him. He just kept his head low, avoiding his father's angry gaze. Probably to hide his tears.

Suddenly Tobias smacked him hard across the face. Severus fell to the floor, his lip bleeding. When he tried to get up his father kicked him, sending him back down again.

"I GAVE YOU FREAK A HOME! I GRANTED YOU FOOD AND CLOTHING! AND YOU THANK ME BY TURNING YOUR BACK ON ME AND RUNNING AWAY! JUST WAIT, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO BE THANKFUL!", he said while kicking his son. By now several of the child's ribs must have broken. Yet the boy didn't stir, didn't try to evade the pain.

"Take off your shirt!", his father commanded. Immediately Severus obeyed. Dumbledore gasped when he saw the bare skin. Almost the entire back was covered in bruises. A few were already fading, but most were still fresh. Dark red and blue welts done with a belt, most likely. On some spots the skin was torn open, the cuts only beginning to heal. The headmaster wondered how the child could have endured this without making a sound. Or had he and got a worse punishment for it?

The man didn't take off his belt, but held a long, thin cane in his hand. Dumbledore looked at him in shock. The belt was bad enough, leaving bruises like these. But the cane would cause more open wounds than the boy already had. He didn't dare to think of the pain he must be in, especially afterwards.

Dumbledore wanted nothing more than to close his eyes, leave this memory. Yet he couldn't exit the pensive. He owed it to Severus to pay attention this time. It wouldn't undo the past, but it made him understand his teacher's behaviour better. The headmaster forced himself to watch.

"And don't you dare scream out, you ungrateful brat." Tobias approached his trembling son and kicked him one final time. Then he lifted the cane high in the air and brought it down with all his strength.

The boy flinched violently, closed his eyes and bit down on his lip. But he let no sound come out. It was only the first stroke – and by far not the last, that much was sure – and he was already bleeding. The cane had ripped the skin open as the old man had expected.

The second blow landed not far beneath the first, leaving another painful cut. Then came a third, forth and fifth, all close to each other. The next stroke crossed two of the other wounds, making Severus writhe in pain again. Yet he held down a scream. Dumbledore couldn't help but admire the child for his strong will.

Dumbledore had stopped to count the lashes, shocked by the pitiful sight in front of him. Severus lay there almost still, helplessly exposed to his father's wrath. Blood was covering his back while more strokes were raining down on him, leaving more wounds. All of this he endured without making a single sound.

Finally it seemed that Tobias felt he had punished his son enough for today. He grabbed Severus by his arm and dragged him down to his room in the cellar. The boy didn't fight back, nor tried to walk by himself.

At the bottom of the stairs he was thrown into the darkness of his room. More a cell than a proper bedroom, especially for a child. Severus landed on his wrist and a horrible crack implied that it was broken, probably along with at least one more rib.

Dumbledore moved around to look at it and saw the tears in the boys eyes. Though he knew he couldn't do anything to ease his pain, he reached out for him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

 _I'm sorry, child._ He thought to himself. _I should..._ But his thoughts were interrupted by Tobias' voice.

"You will never run away again, do you understand me?", he growled at his son.

"Yes, father", Severus answered in a weak whisper. He had to be on the edge to unconsciousness. That wasn't surprising due to the blood loss and the broken wrist and ribs. The last probably pressed on his lungs, making breathing difficult and painful.

"Well, I'm not quiet sure about that. I'd better give you something to remind you." Before Dumbledore could guess what he meant, Tobias raised the cane again and brought it down on the boy's bare feet. Immediately the skin opened and blood came out.

Severus seemed to have grown numb now. Though he had to be in terrible agony, he only flinched slightly and kept still. He remained like this while his father gave seven more strokes to his feet. Then Tobias was done with him at last. He left the room and slammed the door shut.

Dumbledore had knelt by the boy's side during the beating and watched helplessly as he was pushed to his limits. Now the child was shaking violently. Tears were running down his face, whether because of sadness or pain the headmaster couldn't tell.

Suddenly the tremor stopped and Severus fell into unconsciousness. With this the scene changed again.

* * *

Dumbledore was back in the cellar, but some light was shining through the small window. Severus lay on his old mattress, still asleep. Though the headmaster guessed that it must be pretty cold down here, the boy didn't wear his shirt. As he was facing the wall, his back was visible to the old man. Fresh wounds were crossing scars from older ones. A glance to his feet showed that the wounds there were still not healed completely. Probably his father had forced him to walk while they were open.

Suddenly the sound of thundering footsteps could be heard from the other side of the door. Severus stirred in his sleep, then he opened his eyes. He started to shiver and hugged himself into a protective position.

The door banged open and Tobias stormed in. When he reached his son he kicked him in the back, causing several wounds to open again.

"Get up!", he commanded, ignoring the boy's flinch and the small lines of blood running down his back. He surely knew he had caused him pain. But to his shock, Dumbledore saw a small smirk on the man's face. With this he turned around and left the room again.

Meanwhile Severus sat up on his mattress and fetched his shabby shirt. He put it on, careful to touch his sore back as little as possible. He hissed in pain when the fabric rubbed against the wounds. Then he got up and left his room, limping due to the wounds on his feet.

On the ground floor he entered the living room. His father sat there watching TV, some empty beer bottles on a table next to him.

"Bring this rubbish away and fetch me something to drink!", he said to his son without even facing him. Severus did as he was told, grabbed some of the bottles and walk to where Dumbledore guessed was the kitchen.

Suddenly he tripped. The bottles slipped out of his fingers. They hit the floor and broke into a thousand pieces. The boy lost his balance completely and fell into the mess, sharp glass pieces cutting into his hands.

"YOU USELESS BOY! CAN'T YOU EVEN WALK PROPERLY?", Tobias yelled at him. Severus tried to get up to clean the floor. But his father was faster. With a kick he sent him back down. He undid his belt and started to hit him with it. Undoubtedly the boy was used to this by now, he only flinched a little bit.

"Go down into your room! You stay there until I tell you otherwise!", the man said after he was done with him. Severus remained still for a few seconds, tried to catch his breath again. Then he got up slowly. Certainly his back was aching horribly.

"I said, get out of my sight!" Another stroke hit the child. After that he ignored the pain and retreated to his room.

Back in the cellar Severus sat down on his mattress and leaned forward. He rested his head on his crossed arms and closed his eyes, but didn't cry. Most likely he had no more tears left to cry, suffered too much in his short life.

After a while Severus lifted his head a little bit. He opened his left hand, revealing a shard of glass he was holding in it. He looked at it for a while. Dumbledore guessed he considered if he should open his veins with it or not.

Then he moved his hand towards his right wrist. He hesitated for a moment, probably thinking if this really was the right choice.

A moment later he cut.

The scene went black and the headmaster was lifted out of the pensive.

* * *

 **Please, PLEASE review! I really want to hear your opinion on this. Please!**


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer:

Everything that in some way sounds like JK Rowling (characters, plot, dialogues, etc.) belongs to her.

The mistakes (spelling, grammar, whatever) are mine, though. So, if you find some which escaped me, please send them back. I'll care for them.

* * *

 **How could I've been so blind?**

 **Chapter 8**

Dumbledore slumped down into his chair. Now he understood the reasons behind Severus' choices. But the way to this hadn't been nice. Not that he had expected it anyway.

Severus' childhood must have been living hell. He had only seen four memories, but the rest of his home life surely wasn't any better. If not these scenes of his past, his back gave evidence. Today he had many more scars than in the last memory.

It was no wonder that he chose to become a Death Eater. His father obviously hated him, taught him that muggles hated wizardry. Probably he was bullied in primary school. This meant more muggles showing him that they didn't like his kind. Of course he hadn't known better than to hate them then he came to Hogwarts.

There, not much changed. His tormentors were wizards now. They didn't bully him for being a wizard, but for hating muggles. They blamed him for something that wasn't his fault. No one cared that he was friends with a muggle-born.

What was even worse, the teachers, including Dumbledore himself, had looked away. Slytherin house wasn't very popular amongst the staff. Silently everyone approved of them being the target of the noble Gryffindors. No one cared if any of them showed signs of abuse.

Of course Severus stood no chance against his own house. Or the older Slytherins, to say the truth. After all they were the only ones accepting him. They promised him power. Power to get revenge on the muggles who tormented him.

Unfortunately they forgot to tell him the price for this was the health of his soul. He wasn't truly evil or grew up in a pure-blood family where everyone told him that muggles were scum. But his father was the best example for this, and his teacher. Still there had been no possibility that his soul would survive the duties of a Death Eater without getting harmed.

Now Dumbledore knew this. But if someone told him before that fateful night in Severus' life, he wouldn't have believed it. He had always thought of him being a true Death Eater, deep in the Dark Arts, evil. If he thought of him at all.

His attitude had changed over the last day. He grew to love him. Like a father should love his son. Severus dearly needed this love, probably now more than ever.

Dumbledore vowed to himself that he would care for Severus, whether he asked for his help or not. He wouldn't allow the young man to hurt himself rather than to speak about his feelings.

* * *

 **Well, now this story is at an end. Rest would be canon, sadly. I hope you enjoyed it, even the darker parts (or especially them).**

 **Of course you're still welcome to post your opinion in the reviews. I'll read everything and respond to it.**

 **And, good news! Next story is already in work!**


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